28 7 / 2014
At the end of last week, I mailed a letter to my father. For reasons which, frankly, are not entirely clear to me, it was really hard to talk to him about what’s been really happening in my life in the last couple of years. Even though it had often been easier to be open with him emotionally than with my mother, it was still easier to come out to her first.
They’re divorced, by the way, as you might have guessed.
I don’t know, I’d assume it’s something about males, the relationship between fathers and sons (actual, or presumed). So, to have had a pretty good male-ish relationship with my father, and then to say that I’m not male, I might have felt as if it would be rejecting that relationship entirely, rejecting him even.
But it’s not. I’m the same person I’ve always been (as much as anyone is the same person they’ve always been, which is not much at all). I think I had worried myself into a corner about it. But I’m lucky in that my parents are fairly liberal, at least enough to condescendingly humour me, if not really understand what I’ve been though. I would be quite surprised to experience outright rejection.
It took some time, but I got reminded myself that my father has always been vocally proud of me, of my academic work, my creative pursuits, of the job I have, and the fact that made it through some bad depression.
I considered posting the letter I wrote, but I decided it didn’t matter. I don’t think the contents would be especially enlightening or helpful to anyone else. In my case, remembered that my father has always been proud of me, and I apologized to him for not letting him be more involved, until now. If you are worried that your parents might reject you, I’m afraid I don’t have any good advice, especially if you are dependent on them - it’s a horrible situation far to many children find themselves in, and I hope that you somehow can find a way to overcome it.
But for my own part, my father should be getting his letter today. And I hope I’ll be able to see him again in a few weeks.